Koska me ei olla enää me

The topic name is a name of a song from young Finnish female artist and it means "because we are no us anymore." Song about time after breakup and when people have moved on. Fits my feelings perfectly.

You wake up thinking its February, you're in Helsinki, having a hungover and recent breakup with your boyfriend. Your memories surface, moments that you thought you have forgotten, become so clear and you curse the past. Why do the dreams of him bother again? Has not there been enough time already? Especially when you were happy in the dream. Is conscious trying to tell something?
That maybe moving to UK was a mistake, should have stayed there, not parted our ways in February. Would there be happiness in my life at the moment?

All those questions have plagued me immediately after waking up. I am happy here. I do not have friends yet, but I have been here only for under two months. In friends I do not calculate my coworkers, because I do not see them on my free time. I miss my friends, family and even sometimes him, but mostly the good times with him, having fun, enjoying ourselves. Not the insecure moments when doubting everything and anything.

When feeling sad, think of happy thoughts, think of your goals, things you want to do and experience. Been trying to tell that to myself. Living in the moment, but still planning for the future. Trying to avoid being this realistically pessimistic person, who does not think that she could succeed at anything. Looking in the mirror, saying to myself that I'm pretty, sometimes even beautiful. Today did not feel pretty. Felt bloated, sad and lonely. Felt like texting him, some silly text message, like normally, just telling about my day, if he would like to come over. But he's over me, doing different stuff and would not think that he would be thinking of me.

I did hope that it could have been something permanent.But not anymore. I'll make my own happiness.

Here is a link for the song.